Thank you Neil Diamond, from my family

My beautiful mother was elderly (89) but much involved in bridge tournaments, Sunday concerts and family lunches in coffee shops near her retirement village. Her physician gave her white blood cell transfusions each week because of her low white blood count, and she coped well. But suddenly life changed tragically when a family member asked mum’s hospital physician “to withdraw mum’s medical services and to let her die quickly and painlessly. Euthanasia was necessary, the relative said, because of elderly people who used up medical resources that younger people deserved”.

Mum begged us to save her. In fact her physician, rabbi and staff at the retirement village tried very hard to protect her, but she died/was euthanased within 4.5 weeks. I didn’t sleep for a year, during which time there was a funeral, minyanim, 30 days religious services, selection of the tombstone, memorial speeches and the 12 month end-of-mourning service. Soon after that, I had heart surgery, permanent medication and weekly therapy sessions. 

Neil Diamon, I am... I said.

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The therapist was very helpful but I still heard my late mother talking to me overnight, saying “save me, save me”. One question the therapist asked me was “do you remember any song from your youth that reflected the singer’s pain and his ability to reclaim a good life for himself”. I immediately jumped on Neil Diamond whose 1971’s song was my saver.

Diamond was serious about getting into the movies in 1970, though he hadn’t done much acting. When producer Marvin Worth discussed a Lenny Bruce biopic with him, the singer threw himself into it. In 1970 Diamond auditioned for the lead role in the film about the comic; he didn’t get the part, but he finally ended the sad experience with a classic song, I am, I Said. While his hits had been universally themed love songs, this was the first to tell exactly what was on his mind.

Diamond apparently did well at the audition, but Lenny Bruce’s mother was present and the singer felt uncomfortable using a deceased artist’s words in the mother’s presence. And Bruce’s material was more risque than Diamond’s, and as the song later pointed out, he disliked swear. As he told Rolling Stone: He was just saying all those things he had been holding in. It was all the anger that was pent up in me. Suddenly here he was, speaking words that he had never spoken before. He went into therapy almost immediately after that. 

The song took Diamond 4 months to compose, one of his most intense efforts, referring to both Los Angeles and New York. Diamond admitted to Mojo Magazine that the song came from he was in therapy in Los Angeles! Author David Wild interviewed Diamond for a later book and he discussed how his efforts to channel Lenny Bruce evoked such intense emotions that it led him to spend time in therapy. It was an attempt on his part to express what his dreams and his aspirations were about. The lyric also referred to the sense of dislocation he felt at leaving his N.Y birthplace for Los Angeles where he felt like an outsider.

Some of the classic Diamond songs were written quickly but I am, I Said was slowly written, taking 4 months of constant work. Even the song’s complex rhyme scheme made it difficult to complete. Still, his song was released in Mar 1971 and became a radio favourite for months.

I am, I Said was the song to open and close the 1971 album Stones, his homage to the singer-songwriter movement. With only 3 original songs, Stones found him interpreting classic numbers by Leonard Cohen, Joni Mitchell and Randy Newman. Stones opened with the single version of I am, I Said and closed with a reprise, which began with the 2nd verse and continued after the single fades, with Diamond shouting I am! with only strings behind him. This moment was touching as the single itself.

But the definitive version of I Am, I Said was on the 1972 live album Hot August Night. It was actually more intimate than the single, beginning with just the acoustic guitar. Diamond’s delivery displayed all the emotional turmoil that birthed the song, along with its toughness and confidence. 

My beautiful parents, both in their late 80s

I Am... I Said Song by Neil Diamond ‧ 1971 

L.A.'s fine, the sun shines most the time
And the feeling is lay back
Palm trees grow and rents are low
But you know I keep thinking about
Making my way back

Well I'm New York City born and raised
But nowadays I'm lost between two shores
L.A.'s fine, but it ain't home
New York's home
But it ain't mine no more

I am... I said
To no one there
And no one heard at all
Not even the chair

I am... I cried
I am... said I
And I am lost and I can't even say why
Leaving me lonely still

Did you ever read about a frog
Who dreamed of being a king
And then became one
Well except for the names
And a few other changes
If you talk about me
The story is the same one

But I got an emptiness deep inside
And I've tried
But it won't let me go
And I'm not a man who likes to swear
But I never cared
For the sound of being alone

I am... I said
To no one there
And no one heard at all
Not even the chair
I am... I cried
I am... said I
And I am lost and I can't
Even say why